(From the archives)
I suppose the day was doomed when I called my mother this morning and she answered the phone, declaring that she had her hand up a bird’s ass and it was hard to stuff a turkey if people kept calling her.
Eight hours later, we are sitting around the dining room table at my mother’s house. We passed the ear of corn around. The meal is all put away, the dessert dishes are all still on the table. All is quiet and calm. We are just catching up on each other’s lives.
Mom and my brother, Jim, in town from Chicago, are off in search of an old video tape of my grandparents from more than a decade ago. Mr. Drysdale, Aunt Deb and I are at the dining room table. We have a clear view into the TV den.
Mom, a.k.a. The Diva, finds a box of tapes and puts one into her VCR. We watch her and Jim watch the video of gray snow on the screen. We wonder how long they will watch this. We are already giggling at the dining room table.
After about ten minutes of fast-forwarding, they realize that they are watching a video head cleaning tape. Jim ejects the tape and Mom pulls another tape, unmarked out of a box and hands it to Jim.
Jim pops this new tape into the VCR. A picture slowly comes into view. It is not of my grandparents in their garden. I see Mr. Drysdale’s eyes get big at the table. In the den my mother begins to scream.
My mother is loud, screaming, “Eject. Eject! Eject.” Mr. Drysdale would later describe this sound, this sound as that of a hawk, coming in for an attack.
Jim walks away from the den, away from my mother and away from the tape playing on the VCR. Jim thinks this is funny, leaving my mother with porn. And not being the technical person, she has no idea how to quickly get the tape player from playing. She is banging away at various buttons.
On the screen, a porn movie is playing. At the dining room table, “My eyes, my eyes.” cries Mr. Drysdale and the three of us cover our eyes, as if we can block it all out.
Back in the TV den, mom gets the tape ejected and all red-faced and mortified, she comes into the dining room and sits down at the table with us. Jim is behind her.
We are all laughing too hard for words. Finally, Aunt Deb speaks. “And yet another way to say ‘thanks giving.’” she says.
“I really thought,” said a shocked Aunt Deb, “that I was going to see my parents on a tape. Instead, I saw porn.” Her whole body kind of shivers.
Mr. Drysdale picks up the container of cool whip by him and moves it away from him.
“So, who’s porn was that?” asked Aunt Deb. She wondered if her sister had all sorts of secrets.
“Not mine.” declared Jim.
We all look at him, always suspicious of the first to declare their innocence.
“It’s the wrong type.” he said. “I prefer my porn man-to-man.” All right then. Mom’s hands are in her face. No mother wants to know, gay son or not, what type of porn their child watches.
Aunt Deb turns to me. “Is it yours?”
First of all, I hadn’t lived at home in a good decade and a half or so. “No.” I say, and begin to explain that woman really are not visual people when it comes to turn ons. Odds are that the porn belongs to a male.
“You’re right.” says my mother. “Woman are more oral.”
“I was going to go with ‘verbal,’” I said, “but I believe the woman on the tape was certainly ‘oral.’”
Mom’s face is once again buried in her hands.
“It’s got be Vayne’s tape.” declares Jim.
Vanye is not there to defend himself but there is no doubt in any of our minds that it is his. He is the baby of the family and would have certainly had porn in his mother’s house. Other things have been found belonging to Vanye, left behind when he moved out. Other things no mother needs to find.
“Maybe,” says The Diva, with a sigh,“Einstein slipped it in…” . And before she could finish her sentence, we are roaring with laughter again.
Once again, calmed down, so long as no one looks at each other. I point out to the group that there was not any alcohol involved in all this laughter and tears. “We’re a pretty focused group,” says Mr. Drysdale, “one vice at a time.”
“And today’s vice,” says Aunt Deb, “is porn.”
“Could we talk about anything else but this?” asks Mom, slowing dying of embarrassment. We try to move on but it keeps coming back to porn jokes. Like when Mom declared ‘I’m hot.’
“So was the woman on the tape.” said Mr. Drysdale.
“I was kind of impressed,” said my mother, “with the cameraman’s work. To be able to get that angle.”
And with that, the crowd broke into tears again.
“I tried so hard.” says my mother, “to make a nice meal. I just wanted everyone to have a nice memorable Thanksgiving.”
“Oh,” says Mr. Drysdale, “we will remember this.”
“We have to make a pact never to talk about this again.” declares my mother. She is mortified. She is beyond mortified.
I practiced with Mr. Drysdale and Aunt Deb, who both have to work on Friday, asking them how their holiday was, until they could give a straight, normal answer. Not, “I saw porn with my family.” Or, the ever classic “I had pumpkin pie and porn.”
After many rounds of practice, finally, Mr. Drysdale is able to answer the question with a “Just fine. I brought a turkey sandwich today. Have a meeting, got to run.”
Aunt Deb is able to answer with a “We had a nice time at my sister’s house.”
We thought the pact might hold.
After awhile, the tears were gone, the laughter faded. We thought the moment had passed. “Maybe we’d be more comfortable if we moved to another room.” said my mother, getting up from the dining room table.
“And, what,” asked Mr. Drysdale, “take off all our clothing?”
Another round of laughter came.
Finally, Aunt Deb asked my mother, “So what do you have planned for Christmas?”
… And showing the pillow who is the boss of this couch
My heart was breaking these last fewdays. It was because my dog, the puppy known as Teddy, wasn’t himself. He was pretty much out of it, laying around or hiding. He scared me so much that I set my alarm overnight to go off every two hours to check on him and make sure he was still breathing. This afternoon, a trip to the emergency vet and bloodwork, we are home and he is on medication.
The vet and I are hopefully he will be feeling better in the days to coming…
Now, if we could just sleep.
This morning, my car showed me a new warning I had never seen before. And thank goodness, else I wouldn’t have ever known it was cold. Outside.
Two things happen yesterday.
Number one: I went to Target with $70 cash.
Number two: I spent $70.90. On budget! At Target?
Not even kidding. (I was able to find the change in the bottom of my purse).
Also, note that I spent less than $100…
… It’s like I don’t even know who I am any more.
It’s a new world, people. A new world.
Tomorrow marks two weeks since The Diva, my mother, had her knee replacement surgery. She still in rehab.
Never thought it would be this long. I thought three days and should be home making demands on me, since my mission is being her indentured servant.
She’s doing really well though so no worries – i’m just surprised that it’s been that long.
I am also enjoying telling people that my mother is in rehab. They look at me is not sure what to say. Is it drugs? Alcohol?
Sadly it’s just poor old surgery recovery.
The good news is that is that today her staples and stitches are coming out. And she supposed to come home either Wednesday or Thursday.
I had to take my dog to the emergency room that on Thursday night. His front leg was sticking out to the side after he jumped down from a chair. For the record, that is not the way a dog’s leg is supposed to go at all.
I really thought he broke his leg.
Thankfully, he just popped out of the socket.
So I have to keep them as still as possible and not let him jump up on furniture or down from things.
It’s a lot harder than you think. And we were back at the ER vet on Friday with the same injury.
Because you’ve met me. My dogs.
Today might be the last nice day outside for while. The dogs and I are going to make the most of it. Chasing squirrels as best we can in doing yardwork.
My older brother sent me a picture of him and his friends. He said ‘I’m the fifth one from the left.’
I thanked him for pointing out who he was to me.
I’m so sorry for all the naps i refused to take is a small child.
I was hanging out in a hospital waiting room last week.
My mother, The Diva, had a knee replacement on Monday.
She told the doctor before surgery that she decided to skip the knee replacement surgery and just have a Brazilian Wax done.
I would like to tell you that was the painkillers talking but we all know better.
For those of you playing along at home, she has now had both knees done, one hip and her back. She is practically the bionic woman.
Now, nearly a week later, she is in rehab center and getting strong every day. She should be sent home with PT later in the week.